unsupported

54 hours of peace and quiet.
whilst my little brother's off at camp..... im sitting here working my arse off for my food folio.
this folio will get  me 50% of my total score for food tech.
so iv been spending the week doing this folio. at times i would wish that i had some help.
but i guess no ones out there to help considering everyone's got their own work to do.
sometimes i look around and see people chatting with their friends.....my tears will start to fill my eyes.
i feel like being one of them. being surrounded by friends, one talking to another.
at some points where i feel i need the help and motivation, i am unsupported........
i do want to get back into the group. but i just dont have anything to say.
i guess it's better if i stay out. at least im spending more time on work and less time on socialising.

.Lost.

still lost in my little world....
and
yet to be found.......

how?

so a friend of mine is feeling deppressed,
as a close friend i feel like a failure, as i am unable to do anthing to help.i hope my advice today was enough. i hope that she will call me anytime she's feeling sad.
i hope that i can do my best to make her happier.
through our conversations, she has made me feel as if i need to do something.
not only for her, but myself. maybe i need to try and fix my own problems first, before i help others.
maybe i need to repair the line that has been broken.
but how? and where do i begin?

persuations

Happy 9th Birthday to my Baby brother <3
took my brother to the city....we watched the smurfs.....ate at tuttie fruittie....then went bowling :)

so they sent me a text message.
persuations came along.
6 years of building a strong bond is something i should not give up on.
6 years of love and fun memories should not be lost.
6 years of learning together, how to love, how to trust, how to take care of each other should continue on.
but i cant seem to think straight, all this is going down the drain.
perhaps my fading is not such a bad idea after-all.
at least being in the cold people arn't afraid of me.....
people talk to me, they make good jokes and keep me feeling warm.

thats an A for me ^^

in yesturdays oral sac i was amazed
i got a score of 17/20....good start for now...(i think)
hope the teacher's not being too kind to me
just need some extra practice, then i should be fine for the exam. :)

am.i?

so when i decided to open up and tell someone close, about the way i am
this person described me, by using many metaphors to avoid the word "stubborn"
the conversation ended up in tears,so we stopped and my day continued on.
after school i crashed into one of mums friends
guess what? the first question she asked was: "where are all your friends"
to avoid answering i moved on to the next topic.

there.you.go

Happy 51st birthday to my lovely mother ❤

she says: can i not talk to myself?
i replied: i see you also know what it's like to do so.

losing communication skills

another grey morning
sky full of dull clouds
the sun disappearing into the darkness
followed by my foot steps.

i pulled myself out of the group. im good at doing that....
but when the time comes, i try to connect...i feel, that i am unable to....
i dont know how to? i've lost all of my socialising skills....
instead, i found myself standing in the cold all alone......just me and my shadow.
now comes the falling tears.

i am happy. thats what everyone thinks.
this mask that i wear everyday has a fake smile printed on it.
i dont know how to take this mask off
they always say think positive and look forward.
easy to say, yet again hard to do.

put the smile on your face :)

today the weather was great!
no limits today.....just feeling free....
ignoring most friends as time passes.....
after school i had lunch with cammy and fiona <3
when they left i went to the bank and got myself a new debit card.
who knew, the branch manager was sooooo funny.....humorous guy ^^
kept saying how today was my lucky day,meeting uncle john :p

he asked me this: " so have you got a group of friends that you'll keep in touch with after high school?"
immediately i answered "yes....of course!"....
re-thinking about the answer: "actually...im not sure?" :(
anyways another two gd things happened today :)
i crashed into Hayden
(someone i used to always talk to when i felt like crying....not just that, he also gave me warm hugs...ALL THE TIME)
at night...jim and i had a short conversation :)
theres no reason for me to not hang a smile on my face now ^^"

中秋节快乐 :)

今天是中秋节....又一年了...^^
每年的中秋最重要的当然是跟家人一起吃团圆饭啦~
而且跟重要的是一起分月饼吃 :)
希望今天大家都开心， 能看到一个漂亮的月亮!❤

some wishes do come true ❤

today was the mid autumn festival.....i arrived there at around 4.25 after chinese school....
the first group of people i crashed into was calvin/marco/shan etc ^^
as usual at such festivals you would crash into many people.
i crashed into jim (someone who i havnt stopped liking)...but unfortunately he didnt see me.
i walked around the festival alone many times. bought a few things to eat and also bought a B.duck (so adorable)
after hours of wishing to crash into jim just once more....eventually i gave up.
as i was walking into a corner turning towards home....we crashed....
we looked at each other, but didnt say a word. it didnt matter....my wish came true....(satisfied)

Understanding

today was one of my best bud's birthday. happy 19th to her ^^
she asked me if i could join her after school, with the rest of the group to cut her cake?
it really took me a while to say 'yes'. i really wanted to go, but knowing i could be the one left out, then no.
but eventually i decided to go. i mean after all it could be the last birthday we could be spending together?
after school we met at the food courts. after ruby biting onto some plastic rose, thinking that it could be some sort of
food, it cracked me up....'you made my day' ;)
after cake, yumi and i stood up to leave. on the way to the bus stop we talked about our feelings....
when people get in a relationship, they seem to ignore you, or forget that your still there....
we both understood each other very well....the feeling of...'yea come hang out'......then...ignores you.....because
people are too busy doing what couples do.
being in love dosnt mean that you need to ignore others around you. you still need to care about others feelings as well!
anyways after yumi left, i went to my brother's house again. today his girlfriend helped me do my chinese oral.
she was so caring, so nice....helping me in every way that she could. she changed many words and phrases
that i was unable to read or understand. thank you so much!
you guys make me feel so warm, and that someone out there really understands and cares <3
Thanks!

Koonung Day

yesturday was Koonung day....what a fun day it was...or at least thats what i kept telling myself.
since i went to my brother's house, i havnt been hanging out with my friends much
instead i hang out with "other friends"....cammy and sandy.
hanging out with them dosnt make me feel as left out. we took many photos together
and i tried to look as happy as i could. although i felt happy, i knew that i would be happier, if i was back in with the group.
a really close friend, more like a sister to me tries to talk to me. but i ignore her.
i guess its exactly what i want to tell her. i want her know how annoying it can be when someone so close to you
decides to ignore you, or gets attatched to someone else instead of you.

Last drop of tear

today i went to my brother anthony's house.
although his girlfriend was there and i was the odd one out....it wasnt as bad as i thought
i was able to cry infront of them. tell them my heart aches. and the rough days im getting through.
they gave me advice and told me jokes. they looked after me really well.
my smile came back. not long after, i decided to leave...i know i took up a lot of their time....but i guess they didnt mind?
at least i was able to know that someone's finally sitting there next to me
listening to what i have to say :)
my goal is to start studying until exams....and during this time.....not a SINGLE tear drop will fall again!
i am STRONG! i CAN do it!!!!

peace and quiet

living in this place is realy hard. no one ever stops SHOUTING!!!!!!

i often sink into my imaginations,
lying there with my eyes closed, feeling the soft wind hit against my skin
listening to the piano being played to my ears
when i open my eyes, i just want to see the beautiful sunset.

Lonely .

another lonely day. today it took me quite a while to decide wether to skip chinese class or not, but in the end i entered the class half an hour late....
after school it was the usual. bumming around box hill alone....i got home at around 4.30 hoping that mum could go driving with me.....but unfortunately she was too tired. so i decided to ask a friend to teach me instead, considering it was such a nice day and i didnt want to stay home. my friend said he was able to teach me at night after dinner, what a relief i thought. i was in a pretty good mood until he txted  with a 'im feeling sick' .........
again, i felt like being let down again, but i dont blame him......
i guess my bad luck keeps comming around.....things like:
people are busy everyday....unable to catch up wif me....
or
crossing the road and almost getting hit by a car
or
standing right at the bus stop, with the bus driver staring straight at me, but decides to drive on without having the intention to stop.
these days i just turn my phone off.....i dunn think anyone wants to find me anyways. right?
although today i was invited to go hot potting for tomorrow night....i was about to accept, until i found out it was just 3 people. one couple plus one single me......whats the point of me going then...? to sit by myself and play around with nothing in my phone? or sitting there with my new best friend, ipod shuffle?

Spring

so today is the second day of spring.....supposably im meant to be in a gd mood..... but i guess not :(
tears came rolling down my face again, and before i could stop, my eyes were red and swallen.
i have no idea what the hell is wrong with me....but i havnt been  happy since - i dont know when?!
iv been feeling abit excluded and have no one to talk to.
most of my friends at school hang out in pairs....i feel like the odd one out......other times they're just playing games with their iphones (which i dont have)......on weekends most of them will go on dates with their partners....
and me? il be left alone.....uninvited to any study groups or even just for a drink.....
today after school, i tried to call around 5-8 people, to see if anyone could hang out....but not ONE person was able to say yes.... :( i dont blame them...i guess everyone just has plans for friday afternoons......
something as simple as trying to find a friend could turn into a difficult thing to doㄒ︿ㄒ